Is it OK to break up with someone by text? Singles Warehouse: London

My article “Is it OK to break up with someone by text?” was published by Singles Warehouse (London) today.  They have asked me to be a regular guest blogger on dating issues.

Is it OK to break up with someone by text?

This summer after three dates that went well, dinner on the waterfront, and kissing in the moonlight, it happened—the dreaded, yet all too ubiquitous, text break-up.

The honest-to-god truth was, I was less disappointed to lose the guy than in the fact that he had so little respect or esteem for me that he felt me worthy of a 140-characters-or-less rejection.

Ouch.  Seriously: ouch! And I’m not the only one who feels this way.

“It’s like a slap in the face,” Tanya, a 25-year-old office manager in Shelburne, VT says. “Basically it shows that they don’t care about how you feel at all, and that they want to avoid any discomfort themselves.”

And there in lies the problem: For the one doing the breaking-up, a text message offers an out, a way to avoid the sting of rejecting someone else.

I can see a text’s appeal, and yet, as most of us have felt the effects of what Amelia, a 40-year-old dentist in Boston, calls “a very self-serving decision to avoid conflict,” I’d like to make a call for the moral high ground.

Enter Kristin, a 42-year-old Human Resources Officer in Rochester, NY, who drove thirty miles for an in-person break-up.

“Face-to- face allows you to communicate fully, show your body language and tone of voice,” she says. “Texting is a really bad form of communication and a cowardly way of communicating a break up or resolving conflict in any way.”

Cowardly: the word came up over and over again as I talked to people about text break-ups. And each time it’s followed by the idea that no self-respecting person would want to be with someone who neglects our dignity through text-dumping.

As Kristin points out, “dating and being single itself is such a vulnerable state of being, it doesn’t need more people hurting each other. It’s hard enough putting yourself out there. If someone takes the time to at least be compassionate, albeit honest, perhaps more people will be willing to be brave when approaching each other for the opportunity to love and be loved.”

It takes courage to break up with someone in person, to look that person in the eyes and say “sorry, I don’t think this is going to work.” But it would seem we’d all rather be treated that way.

Some people, such as the previously-mentioned text-dumper in my life, believe that a text is justifiable (Ok, he called it “respectful.”) because at least it’s one step above saying nothing at all, and just allowing the other person to catch on.  But avoiding the topic, as Salt N Pepa once wisely pointed out, “ain’t gonna stop it.”

“Allow yourself to be surprised,” Kristin advises. “Use that to encourage yourself to be honest with people. Chances are the conversation will go far better than you think, or at least you’ve said what you needed to say.

Face the break-up; at the very least, use the telephone (for talking, not texting). Treat others with the same respect you would like to receive.

Ultimately, if someone dumps you via text s/he wasn’t worth the effort in the first place. Pick yourself up, and move on to someone who’s worthy of and appreciates you.

What are your thoughts? Please share them below.